We all have those moments where our whole being says “nope!”
No to that awkward conversation.
No to making that phone call.
No to following through with a commitment.
No to a partner’s request.
Sometimes, the answer really is no, and that is worth listening to. Sometimes, it’s not so black and white, and alongside that no is some kind of yes. Maybe a hint of willingness. Maybe a reason to move forward. Maybe a yes disguised as curiosity.
I don’t really want to do this, but I’m willing to give it a try.
I wouldn’t choose to do this, but I know I care about what might come from it.
This is hard, but it matters to me.
Considering what we could be saying “yes” to whenever we reactively say no is one way to start to think about inner consent.
Why talk about inner consent?
I notice a lot of “no” in myself, and I frequently hear many versions of “no” from clients.
It shows up in work: I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to risk trying something different.
It shows up in grief: I don’t want this to be my life now.
It shows up in pain: I can’t do the things I used to do.
It shows up when healing from trauma: I don’t trust this. I don’t know what I want.
It shows up in relationships: I don’t want to have that difficult conversation. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to risk being hurt again.
These no’s often make sense. They are there to protect us, conserve energy, honor our boundaries, or maintain the status quo.
At the same time, often the no begins to take up more and more space. We begin to limit ourselves. We ignore the possibility that something different could be possible. We stop taking chances. We accept less than we want and deserve.
Inner consent isn’t about getting rid of the no. It’s about recognizing and getting curious about the possibilities and choices in our lives.
Inner consent isn’t about ignoring our reality.
The word consent can feel especially heavy when we’re healing from experiences where our safety, choices, or boundaries were not respected. So I want to be clear about what inner consent does and does not mean.
● Inner consent is not convincing ourselves that something is okay when it isn’t.
● Inner consent is not a command to ignore our no’s.
● Inner consent is not a hard override for our discomfort or boundaries.
Inner consent is about giving ourselves choice and autonomy.
It is truly checking in with ourselves and asking:
Am I willing to participate in this?
Sometimes the answer truly is a hard no.
Sometimes it’s a not yet.
Sometimes, surprisingly, it’s yes. This is difficult, and I’m choosing it anyway.
From “I have to” to “ I choose to”
We all have things we feel we have to do. Go to work. Make that phone call. Go to that appointment. Have that awkward conversation.
But there is a meaningful difference between
“I have to do this”
and
“I choose to do this because something here matters to me.”
The task hasn’t changed. You still have to make that phone call. But now maybe that call is connected to something you value: connection, honesty, self-respect, responsibility, asking for help.
I don’t want to pick up the phone, and I’m willing to do it anyway because taking care of this is important to me.
This small shift can create room for a little more agency. We may not choose what happens to us. But we can sometimes choose how we participate in what happens.
Looking for the yes underneath the no
Here’s a small experiment.
Think of something small that you don’t want to do. Then ask:
If I do this, what am I saying yes to?
Maybe you’re saying yes to:
● Your health
● Honesty
● Connection
● Peace
● The kind of person you want to be
● Something you hope will be possible later
You don’t have to suddenly want to do the thing. There can be more than one truth at the same time:
I don’t want to do this.
And I choose to do this.
Your body gets a vote
Inner consent isn’t just an exercise in thought. The body gets a say here, too.
Again, imagine doing the thing you’re resisting. What do you notice?
Maybe your shoulders tighten. Your jaw clenches. Your stomach drops. You feel heavy, restless, desperate to crawl under the blanket and hide.
We’ve all been there.
Now try:
I don’t want to do this, and I’m choosing to because I care about ______.
What happens? Maybe there’s a little softening. Relief. Steadying. Excitement.
Or maybe your whole body screams “NO WAY!” That’s important information, too!
We’re not trying to make the mind and body agree. We’re simply becoming curious about what our body might allow us to do, while remembering that our bodies might not have full authority. Sometimes they are responding to old experiences. Sometimes they need a snack or a nap. Sometimes they need more information. But they still get a vote.
Putting inner consent into practice
The next time you notice yourself thinking I have to, try pausing.
1. Notice the no.
What happens in your body when you imagine doing it?
2. Ask what matters.
What might doing this make possible? What value is underneath it?
3. Try a different sentence.
I don’t want to, and I am choosing to because ______ matters to me.
4. Notice what happens.
Maybe you find willingness.
Maybe you find resistance.
Maybe you discover a no that needs to be honored.
There is no “right” answer.
Inner consent isn’t about making yourself say yes.
It’s about creating enough space to hear your answer.
As we heal from trauma or pain, learning to recognize and trust our wants, needs, boundaries, and values can be an important part of reclaiming agency. Sometimes that means finding a yes. Sometimes it means becoming more comfortable with a no.
And sometimes healing means learning that we don’t have to immediately do anything with the answer. We can simply notice it.
The goal isn’t to become better at saying yes.
It’s to become more connected to the person who gets to decide.
Want to explore this more?
If you’re interested in noticing more about your own embodied experience, Simone Saunders’ Where Do You Feel That in Your Body? offers an accessible exploration of how emotions show up physically and invites deeper curiosity about those sensations.
For a more direct exploration of inner consent (especially aimed towards other therapists), The Existentialists Podcast, Episode 14: “Inner Consent: Saying Yes to Your Life” offers a thoughtful look at how inner consent feels and how it shapes everyday choices.